I stopped listening to anything but rap music,
all the rest reminds me of people I once knew
in Florida, and then I start ruminating on the words
You don’t want to get caught up with a girl like me.
There are steps between, of course, but this is always
point Z, and then I can’t cool down. Sometimes
I start panicking about things that I’ve heard people say before, like
No one will care if you do not write, and I wish I could collage memories
in any kind of tangible way that felt as good as
the imagination itself. This is why we need limitations, by the way,
because absolute freedom never feels as good as you think it will.
The more power we have, the less we know what to do with it
or maybe that’s how I’ve learned to justify the paralysis.
I think I stopped playing Animal Crossing
because the abilities they gave me felt too unnatural
and I fear a future with holodecks and seamless terraforming
because structure should be gatekept.
Leave the world building to Walt Disney,
Jesus Christ and his creators too.
Not everyone is qualified to lead a cult
but we’re all building our own in Minecraft.
Yes, I want to be one of the greats
like Kanye West before me.
I am a God and I fear him too.
Sometimes I cannot stop myself from thinking about words and
ideas and new ways to complicate what was already complicated
but I’m terrified of the marketing.
I could never be Don Draper.
I’m too contemporary, too big city abstract & stupid.
And what a joke it all is. I love a good joke but not at this cost.
I hate the politics of it too. What happened to a good
ol’ fashioned eccentric? What about the supposed
bastions of free speech?
And my biggest hope of survival is to lean on my father? Insane.
I should re-read The Bell Jar or Ariel. I should read more in general and delete
Reddit off my phone.
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Selena Cotte is a poet, journalist & shapeshifter living in Chicago by way of Orlando. Her poems are published or forthcoming in journals such as Peach Mag, HAD, Sad Girl Review, 3 Moon Magazine & others. She can be found online @selenacotte, wherever you think that may work.